Euchre! He hardly knew ‘er. But that didn’t stop Ken from heading to Stetson’s last Thursday for what one may assume was about five too many drinks. While doing his best moonwalk to win over a reluctant cab-driver, Kenny tripped and fell backwards into a bed of flowers. Unable to get up, Kenny cried for all that is good and holy until MegaNuts had mercy enough to bring him to the nearest Urgent Care Center in DC. After Kenny’s X-Ray was finished to determine that he had not in fact broken his tailbone, he tried to bend over to pull his pants up. Unable once again to help himself, he begged and pleaded for the nurse to yank his knickers up over his parts because Kenny is NOTHING if not modest.

Here’s the email he sent out:

From: Martin, Kenneth [REDACTED]
To: [REDACTED]
Sent: Sat Jul 25 10:30:11 2009
Subject: Tonight

So…I hurt my back pretty bad.  I am bed ridden until monday.

…Thereby cancelling his birthday party. A sad day. In sum, here’s hoping you find strong painkillers and potent muscle relaxers (and that you have the strength not to abuse them after you heal…) Get well soon, Kenny. Hello Kitty just isn’t the same without you.