July 2010
4 posts
bbox writes a craigslist ad
Roommate wanted in My Two Dads scenario. We have a lot of amenities including but not limited to: hot and warm water! Available bedroom is very large - fits a bed and other bedroom stuff plus a washer/dryer (provided). The “modern” (hee-hee!) kitchen features shelves, fridge, sink, others. Two bathrooms- so two more sinks! Living room could be a good opportunity. Interested...
state secrets
From: S <s@gmail.com> Date: Tue, Jul 13, 2010 at 12:03 PM To: H <h@gmail.com> Cc: Mexican <mexican@gmail.com>, Norm <norm@gmail.com> h, here’s some of the things we could never talk about before [you became a U.S. Citizen]:
now when you wear red, white, and blue you’ll become bulletproof
it’s really, really, really funny to call [the mexican] a...
June 2010
7 posts
duplicity of meaning
me: where's the best place to get wings in DC?
Kenny: Air and space museum?
“this is what happens when people stop being real, and start being nice.”
– robert frost, after learning of the tuesdays with kenny 2010 summer rebirth
hey guys it's summer and we're back and more...
BBOX: what's our new quote about a bush?
one in the dick is worth two in the bush? but less obvious
Kenny: Omg
I forgets
BBox: not acceptable
Kenny: A dick in the hand is
BBox: a dick in the hand is worth two in the bush??
Kenny: Something about bushes
BBox: a dick in the hand is worth money in the bank
kill two birds with one dick
Kenny: A dick in the hand is better than two in the tush?
Toosh?
BBox: a double dick sandwich is better than no sandwich at all
Kenny: Roast beef sandwich?
I love arbys
BBox: yeah this is getting closer
a post in frankese
I. I do not know why they tell u that when u grow up u is not supposed to get in cars with strangers. For me it is always about the soul and he seemed like a nice soul. U can get in and u never know where u will end up. Hopefully not in the East River.
OK, enough of that. Here’s the backstory: It was 7 a.m. in the East Village in NYC. We were a’lookin’ for some breakfast after...
December 2009
2 posts
aggressive gchats about a box
BBox: so.
question of the hour
what was in the box?
Baumer: banana bread
Sent at 10: 03 AM on Tuesday
BBox: dick loaf
what else?
rain dear games
Baumer: i have two new favorite games i play with my handbag:
first, a game I like to call "lip gloss or rogue tampon?" - nine out of ten times i pull out the tampon
second, a game i like to call "tic tacs or matches" - usually matches.
Box: these games are only fun if you commit to using whatever item you pull out as if it were the targeted attraction
Baumer: dead
Box: you put two matches in your mouth
voila
fresh breasts
November 2009
3 posts
the eldest of them all
BBox: the oldest bobbay on the books
bobbbay byrd
Baumer: dead
BBox: no no he's not yet
he's trying to talk now
best friendshorps
Bbox: bram!
good news
Bram: The boy replied.
Bbox: you didn't destroy my love life
he did!
Bram: BITCH, PLEASE.
Bbox: dead
Bram: I wrote the book.
Bbox: stop it
you maybe authored the forward
but you definitely didn't write the book
Bram: Fuck no. I dedicated four chapters to myself.
he's playing hard to get with you.
Is Sunday on?
Bbox: he can't sunday. but sometime next week
Bram: perfect.
Bbox: it's tentative
yeah
better
for me
Bram: I love you.
always have
Bbox: likewise, braveheart. likewise
the great shanking
kenny: who is bobby?
bbox: bobby is bobby
kenny: you are bobby
i am bobby
we are bobby
bbox: affirmations
kenny: shanked
October 2009
8 posts
Yes, we are planning a real party. We are the...
Baumer: HAVE YOU BEEN LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT PLACE TO PICK UP PIG AIDS? WELL...WE HAVE THE PARTY FOR YOU!
Baumer: yOU. THE SUPER DETECTIVE
wE. PIG AIDS
=
BBox: JOKE PARTY!
KNOCK KNOCK. HOW MUCH CHEESE IS TOO MUCH CHEESE?
WHO'S THERE. PIG AIDS
BARBIES!
It wouldn't be a Tuesday without a Million Dollar...
Baumer: i vote akward full-speed-ahead
yes
milliondollaridea
ready?
BBox: go
Baumer: holy shit if i only had a cape of bility
BBox: tell me!
Baumer: someevite.com - evite's snarky invitation system
i want
BBox: we do it!
who do we know who makes internets move out to the world?
there have to be people
BBox: we have the brains
they have the brawns
BBox: we should just email the someecards people
Baumer: yes
BBox: and tell them we have an idea but they'll want to pay us first
Baumer: but first we need a Tim Miller (TM)
BBox: but i bet they've already thought of it
Baumer: that's a great idea which i'm sure will go smoothly
BBox: we should call it "ironicinvites.sex.radio"
agreed
Baumer: MILLIONS.
Bbox: i know
Dear Tim Miller,
I have an idea that you'll want to lend your initials to.
Love, Bobby and Me
ok just check that box
that's taken care of
next what else?
fashion relations
Kenny: [straight boys] like things that don't fit
like they are going to grow into them or something
i guess gays buy smaller so they think they will squeeze into them someday
a legitimate question
Stomkins: you know what they say
wine before beer, get me outta here
beer before liquor, hardly knew 'er
liquor before wine, pig AIDS
mix 'em all together and whddaya get?
balls i don't know that's a legit question
“It’s just the sort of vicious back-and-forth you might expect from a...”
– President Obama, on Conversations with Boxenbaum
choo-choo-choose your own adventure!
Box: a six year old slave girl named lateesha
(don't ask, i was just inspired)
Baum: meets a seven year old boy named pepsi, born deep into an impoverished ghetto
none of those rich ghettos for pepsi
Box: on the sixth night of their courtship, lateesha tells pepsi that what she's always wanted was a goat.
Baum: pepsi searches his ghetto far and wide, having never seen a goat, he brings lateesha his neighbor jimothy, who has a goatee.
Box: and lateesha, having never seen a goatee, thinks that jimothy is a werewolf... which is ironic, because it turns out-- he is.
Baum: lateesha inferred this information because she is an awarewolf herself
(choose your own adventure)
“Wampum!? Hardly knew ‘em!”
– Sacajawea
September 2009
9 posts
An Expose: Inside the mind of BBox
Everyone’s been talking about it. How in the world did BBox come up with the gchat status:
Phil Collins “Free Lunch” Friday is out of fucking control. —Bill Nye
In a recent 60 Minutes interview, this long-held secret was revealed! Let’s see what happened!
BBox: oh, you want to know about my thought process? Ok, here’s the scoop. I thought — this is...
Late Night Robots [1:05AM on a Thurs night]
Kenny: #
BBox: Wtf
Kenny: ######
;_6_;6;;;;6;;;
;556
5__5_3)3)8!
an 'istoric 'event
Baumer: THERE SHE IS
beboxisbackdotcom.
BBox: beeboxisjackiejormpjomp.incognito.sex.net/fun
Baumer: ktringe likes this
BBox: let's registrar that
fuck
registroar
dead
Baumer: registroar
NO
BBox: i deadad;kajfjk;afd
Baumer: NO WAY
BBox: asd;lfjas;dlf
st;lahtjes;alkhej a
Baumer: NO WAY
DEAD
DEAD
BBox: it finally happened
we
two
became one
JUST LIKE THE SPICE GIRL SONG PREDICTED!
Baumer: no way
i will get fired
BBox: go
Baumer: before the sun sets
BBox: over there
Baumer: leaving
BBox: stop measuring things in jewscale
Baumer: dedjla;sfjdlsa
BBox: go away
“Sierra Mist.”
– -Kenny.
triple x, she's back and she's better than ever
**names have been changed to protect the privacy of the characters involved.
XXX: I just ran into one of our old interns on the street.
Redacted: Which one?
XXX: The guy we thought was hooking up...
Redacted: Bram?
XXX: I thought his name was Lois?
Redacted: You thought his name was Lois? So what did you think the girl's name was, Bram?
XXX: No, I dont know.
Watchthe rainbow gang! this is what happens when you mix a little kenny with the bbox and the baumer.
August 2009
13 posts
alarmists talk about foodtv
Baumer: fat lady. calls fat food comfort food
why not call it artery clog '09
BBox: ranch taquitos
comfort food
Baumer: know what's comfortable? a coffin.
comfort food.
BBox: a coffin full of gravy
comfort food
Baumer: comfort food: so comfortable you can't stand up after you eat it.
also, turns your back into a body pillow. now with more comfort.
BBox: comfort food: 21 types of ranch all up in your grill and on your chips
now with more chips
somebody get me a pepperoni machine with excessive slicing capabilities
i need it on the double
Baumer: you say tomato! i say tomurder!
BBox: toMURDER
WHAT!!
quoting the greeks
Baumer: never marry a gay man. -socrates
BBox: but fuck young boys. -socrates jr.
Baumer: i was born a poor black child. -mrs. socrates
hertz livechat tastes like burger
[REDACTED]: Thank you for using Hertz.com Live, my name is [REDACTED]. If you have a Billing question or need to contact Customer Service, call 1-800-654-4173. Otherwise how may I help you navigate Hertz.com?
Baumer: Hi. Is there a reason I'm not able to get a NeverLost GPS with a standard or economy sized vehicle?
[REDACTED]: what state and city?
Baumer: SFO
Baumer: san francisco, ca
[REDACTED]: just offered for basic b compact, midsize c,f fullsize just the ones that's equiped with it
Baumer: That makes no sense.
Baumer: Can you rephrase?
Baumer: It is only offered for basic, compact, midsize, or fullsize? Or they are already equipped?
[REDACTED]: those are only the car types that you can add in so on step 2
[REDACTED]: it will say the car types
Baumer: Alright. So, I tried to get a basic model and then add the Never Lost option, and it said that NeverLost was not available with the model I had selected.
Baumer: And what you just told me is different.
[REDACTED]: not standard its a d class you can not ,if you need more information call reservation 1-800-654-3131
feelings on sandra lee via a slam poetry platform
we will murder your tablescapes. a semi-homicide.
don’t offend us with any more tomfoolery, any more cooking shenanigans that disgrace the art of eating and offend our eyebuds before they reach the tastebuds.
next time you melt dessert to call it a recipe, next time you set your sit and mix up your mashed potato meal powder in our sensibilities… well, check yourself. we’re...
Friendshorp
Baumer: yehhhh
what do i do with all my FEELINGS!
THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH RANCH.
BBox: balls
yobert.
BBox: i met [REDACTED for the tangersweat [frozen yogurt]
i made the best concoction of all time
Baumer: telllllllllllllllllll
BBox: i cracked the yogurt toppings code
Baumer: go
BBox: 1) passion fruit yogurt
2) coconut
3) mochi
(or however you spell it)
4) mango
snorkel snorkel snorkel
texts from last night, with boxenbaum
BBox: Ball just flew at my face. I wasn't worried, I'm used to it. It's a Tuesday.
Baumer: Laws
BBox: Bylaws
Baumer: Bob loblaws law blog
BBox: Bobby ballob boblaws bylaws
Baumer: Bobby brown brams gusty bylaw by braveheart
BBox: Bramwell Moslyb Mollestation IV
July 2009
43 posts
“conversations with boxenbaum: an exercise in loose associations, loose women,...”
– lou gehrig
thursdays with kenny: a tale of tail(bones)
Euchre! He hardly knew ‘er. But that didn’t stop Ken from heading to Stetson’s last Thursday for what one may assume was about five too many drinks. While doing his best moonwalk to win over a reluctant cab-driver, Kenny tripped and fell backwards into a bed of flowers. Unable to get up, Kenny cried for all that is good and holy until MegaNuts had mercy enough to bring him to the...